Happiness and Thoughts on a Soulless Job

Hey guess what world?! I feel happy! I feel happier and freer than I have in literally years. Whoa. I realized yesterday; Joel came home from work and I was just different, we talked about his day and then he asked about mine, and I said I had a great day! Okay, now I realize that that might sound basic and unoriginal, I mean doesn't everyone have a great day at work at least once in a while?-- and the answer is no! I literally, for the past three years I have spent at my cafe have never come home and said I had "a great day!". How insane crazy is that. I realized that even when we go on vacation, or I take days off, I never would let myself feel open or all the way happy because A. My coping mechanism was to shut myself down because my boss is emotionally abusive to all of her employees and to survive in that environment you have to eat at least a little of your own pride and soul, and B. I always had the thought of the cafe looming over my head. I mean yeah, I wouldn't be working at that very moment, but I always was counting down in my head the days until I would have to go back there. Ew. What a mess! I'm a little frustrated with myself because I'm just the type of person that hates to give up and it's not always a good thing. I would literally have knots in my stomach every single day on my way to work the first few months that I worked there because I knew I was probably going to get yelled at for nothing, or someone else would and you always have to be on your guard to make sure you're doing everything in precisely the "right" way or heaven, watch out. So even through all of that, I didn't leave! What the hell? In my mind it's quitting....well literally of course, but personally, I feel as though it's a failure for me. It's not pushing through and making it work, it's just taking the easy way out and giving up. So I know that I have this silly tendency to hang on to things that are really bad for me until the absolute  nasty bitter end, and I see how idiotic it is so in the future I need to remember this time, and all the others when I did the same thing, and if I'm in a situation that isn't good for me and isn't actually getting me anywhere, I need to walk and find something that will nourish my soul and won't make me hate all the people around me. That's one of the pit falls of public service jobs, after long enough you just cannot handle customers any more. I used to laugh off the ridiculous questions and blank faces, but after a while I started to hate them,I despised them. Working and serving those who are pompous and look down at you as a lesser being because they don't know how hard you work and they have never even lifted a plate for another human being is just soul crushing. Literally. It made me so bitter and angry all the time. I was a jerk to a few people that definitely didn't deserve it and I always felt bad afterward, but at the time my anger was just so intense I lashed out. I was miserable and I couldn't think of a way out. I knew that of course I could find another job, and of course I could be doing something I loved instead, and naturally, I could even find a job that payed much more, and actually valued me as the hard worker as I am, but for some reason those were empty words to me. They didn't actually seem real. I ALWAYS had an excuse, "Yeah, but I have job security here, and I have bills to pay, so if I start a new job I don't know that I'll be able to support myself for a little while. I just need to work here a little longer so I can save up some money." So, while those thoughts and fears may have been founded to some extent, there was never going to be a time that I had saved up enough money to be confident in leaving, I do my best with saving, but really now, I make $10.50 an hour and tips are pitiful. I could work in another restaraunt job and walk with hundreds a night instead of the $10-20 per day. I'm not exactly Ms. Moneybags.

To change the subject now, I want to introduce everyone to the amazingly talented Jessica A. White, a.k.a. JAW. She's a local tattoo artist here in Sacramento and I am anamoured with her style. I have literally been talking about getting my next tattoo since I got my first one, all the way back in 2010! I feel like four years is more than enough time, and I am going to actively work towards my next one. I set the goal of having it by Marty and Grady's wedding, so by July. I have a vague ish idea of what I want, and I want to give her freedom with the rest because she is just that amazing. I'll keep you updated on that. ;)

Alright, well I'm signing off, at least for the time being, although if my current trend is an indicator I'll be back to write more in an hour. Hah!

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